"Put One Foot in Front of the Other"

As I have stated on so many occasions, consistency is so important to Holden.  However, Holden has shown some remarkable flexibility at times, to changes that I thought would be difficult for him.  For instance his mother moving back into town has proven to be something he is adapting quite well to.  To give credit where credit is due, his mother has also made this change in Holden’s life easier to deal with by working around Holden’s wants and needs, and appreciating Holden’s need for consistency, and being a part of Holden’s team of support.  There were some melt downs and misunderstandings in the beginning, but we have all learned from them, and things are going well.  I wish I could say the same for all aspects of Holden’s life.  A recent event, that I really would have thought was minor, really set Holden off, and created quite a bit of anxiety for him.

Holden takes the bus to and from school everyday.  Currently I do not require this service, but I have continued to use it for two reasons.  The main one is that by Holden taking the bus home everyday, I don’t have to make Zane wait to be picked up from school, Holden and Zane attend different elementary schools.  Because Holden can’t be left alone, and Zane can, I was making Zane wait for me to get Holden first, before picking him up.  I only did this while we were getting the bus set up for Holden, and I didn’t like it at all.  Zane was a good sport about it, but he certainly likes it better now.  The other reason I chose to have Holden take the bus, is that he really enjoys riding on the bus.  There have certainly been situations, and drivers, that made Holden not enjoy the bus.  In Escondido, there was one driver that “wrote Holden up” five times over three years.  No other bus driver ever wrote Holden up, so to me, it is pretty clear that this was a driver issue, not a Holden issue.  As the bus company is a separate entity from the school, even some of the teachers have had problems with the drivers.

As I stated in my last blog, there have been a lot of inconsistency in the morning bus drivers.  Earlier this week there was yet another new driver to Holden’s route.  We live on a horse shoe shaped street.  The bus drivers route sheet clearly states to enter our street from the second entrance.  Many new drivers have missed this note, and come from the wrong entrance, leaving them across the street from our house, instead of on the same side.  In the past the drivers have seen the error in their way, and driven to the corner, and turned around.  The new driver earlier this week made that same mistake, but instead of driving to the corner and turning around, performed a U-turn in the middle of our street.  I thought is was an odd move, and didn’t really think much of it, until Holden completely freaked out.  He turned away from the bus, and when I tried to pull him towards me, dropped to the ground and started crying.  I tried to pick him up and assure him it was okay, but instead he ran to the house, away from the bus.  It was pretty obvious to push this was going to get ugly, so I sent the but on it’s way, and found Holden in my room, on my bed crying.  I told him it was fine, and I would take him to school.  He calmed down after a little bit, and we went to school.  I explained to the surprised teacher what happened, and left him at school.  He came home on the bus, and seemed fine.

The next day, when he woke up for school, he immediately complained of a stomach ache.  He did so with his usual smiling face, so I didn’t think it was too bad.  Throughout the morning he mentioned it a few times, and burped a few times.  I thought maybe he just had some gas.  As per usual, we took Zane to school, and dropped him off, but for the first time ever Holden asked me to take him to school, instead of going back home to wait for the bus.  I explained to him that he was going to take the bus to school and drove home.  He complained a few more times about his stomach, but still seemed to be fine, and happy.  As we waited for the bus, his anxiety grew.  He kept pointing in the direction the bus is supposed to come, and would say “bus”.  Everything fell into place for me.  Holden was anxious the bus was going to come the wrong way again.  He was quite agitated, and kept pointing up the street and saying “bus”.  I wanted to assure him the bus would indeed come that way, but in all honesty I could not.  I am willing to bet his stomach issue that morning was either a stress related stomach ache, or even more likely, butterflies.  Thankfully the bus came from the correct end of the street, and his anxiety immediately vanished as a huge smile came across his face, and he started jumping up and down in excitement.  The next morning, today, it was the same thing, to a lesser degree.  No stomach ache this morning, and a lot less anxiety, but still pointing up the street and saying bus.  I told him yes, that is the direction the bus SHOULD come from, hoping, fingers crossed, that it did for his sake.  Once again it was one of the semi regular drivers, and Holden once again was very happy and relieved when the bus came from the correct side of the street.  

It can be such a delicate balance all the time.  Never knowing what will make Holden anxious.  I hope to never repeat the anxiety he had when we moved, it literally broke my heart to watch.  All I can do is continue to try and prepare him for any changes I can for see, and hope he handles them well.  I am so grateful when he does handle change well, and shows flexibility, and often taken by surprise when something seemingly minor sets him off.  I am constantly trying to learn  when to push a little, and when to give.  I knew immediately earlier this week it was time to give.  I am so thankful for being able to take him to school, and not have to force him on the bus, because I have to run off to work myself.  I have had to do that in the past, and it is heart breaking.