"The Power of Love"

The other day, Holden was having a particularly bad melt down in the front yard.  After probably 10 to 15 minutes of him melting down, my neighbor came over and offered to set up his kids’ bouncer on the front of our lawn.  His kids were out for the day, and he was offering it solely for Holden’s use.  I thanked him, but told him no thank you, because 1) Holden would be getting rewarded for a melt down and 2) Holden would then want to use the bouncer again, when it was not available.  The neighbor understood, then proceeded to offer to help anytime I needed help.  In a very non judgemental way, he expressed that it must be very difficult to deal with Holden, and that if I ever needed a break, I should just come over and ask.  It was very sincere, and very generous of him.  I thanked him, and he went back to his house, while Holden continued to melt down on the front lawn.  As he walked away I reflected on the fact that I was not stressed or anxious at Holden’s melt down.  Several times during the conversation with my neighbor, he kept saying “I don’t know how you do it”, and “it must be so difficult” to which I replied that “I was just part of the gig”.  I realized that day, that I had reached a point of acceptance where it was indeed just part of the gig.  A melt down in public like that one, a few years ago, would have left me a wreck.  Now it was just another day in the life of Holden.  It wasn’t always pretty, but it was, what it was.  


As my neighbor kept going on about the difficulty of it all,  I realized it was all acceptable to me, because I love him so much.  I began to reflect on this love, and it dawned on me, it is because of the difficulty that I love him so much.  I don’t have super powers, or extra patience, or thick skin, I have a much greater power working on my behalf, I have love.  Pure, unconditional love.  I love both of my children so very much, but the love I have for Holden is different, because it has to be.  Like all parents who have children that are “more difficult” than other children, we love those children in the way we need to, in order to meet the challenges their lives create.  Whether it is an asthmatic child that can literally die because of the right mixture of events in their life, or a child with progeria, who will probably not live to see their sixteenth birthday, or a very sensitive child that is greatly affected by a great many things, or an autistic child melting down on the front lawn, we as parents learn to love them as we need to, in order to do the job we have as parents, and meet the challenges presented to us.  Are there times when we are spread so thin, and our patients so spent that we truly need a break, yes.  However, that need is less often than we think.  Like the Navy SEALS who learn that they can push their bodies and minds much further than they ever believed, we parents can do the same thing.  Do I wish Holden was not autistic, and could lead a “normal” life, hell yes, but for his sake, not mine.  Because I would never be aware of how incredible a power love is, if I had not been challenged by the issues created from Holden’s condition.  I would not have had the strength to make the move back to Santa Barbara, I would not have had the courage to start my own business, and I would not have had the fortitude to function on two or three hours sleep for days at a time.  Even when Holden is melting down, and fighting my every attempt to redirect him, and calm him down, I feel nothing but pure love for him.  I feel bad that he has become stuck on something that I can not let him do, or is impossible.  I wish I could change the world for him, but I can’t.  Most of all, I have become a better person, because I don’t think about myself anymore, while he is struggling to communicate, and ease his own anxiety.  


I once attended a lecture by a guest musician at San Francisco State University, while I was a student in the music program.  He made such an amazing observation, that stuck with me for life.  I applied it to my acting as well, when I went to Cal Arts for Grad school.  He said if you are getting nervous on stage, it is because you are thinking about yourself and not the music.  That your attention should be so focused on the performance at hand, that you shouldn’t have a moment to think about your own wants and needs.  Similarly, I had an acting teacher have us write down on separate pieces of paper, everything we didn’t like about ourselves, personally, as an actor, and any other possible way.  We then made boxes for these slips of papers, and everyday we came to class, took the boxes down from a shelf, and stuck them outside, for the hour and a half we were in class.  In essence we left our bull shit outside.  Holden has taught me how to do this in life, how to not fixate on myself while dealing with him.  There is plenty to deal with, without including myself in the equation.  Now I wish I could take that knowledge and apply it to the rest of my life.  Unfortunately I have not mastered that in the slightest.  I am apparently only my best, when I am being my boys parent, and I have love to thank for that.

"Holiday Road"

It has always interested me how we as people can change so much, just by changing the people we are around, or the situation we are put in.  For instance there is the way a lot of us tend to digress around family.  We can work so hard on changing who we are, and overcoming our shortcomings, but then we get around family, and we find ourselves transported back to childhood.  There are other people we get around, and we just seem to always have a great time with them, even if we are just doing laundry. The same thing can apply to situations and places.  How we are at work, may be totally different then how we are at home.  When I was going through the acting program at SBCC and later in grad school at Cal Arts, I had to become a caricature myself, to overcome my own shyness and phobias about being around a lot of people. Holidays can also be events that allow us to be someone else, in the case of Halloween, we are literally allowed to be someone else.  At Thanksgiving we reflect on all the things we have to be thankful for, and enjoy family.  Christmas is a time of giving and spreading cheer.  All of these holidays, and all the other holidays mean something different to all of us, and when we shift into that “mood” also depends on the person.  I’m sure we have all heard people say “I am just not in the Christmas Spirit this year”.  Like people and places, these holidays can shift our personalities, and alter our perception of life.  Some of the alterations can be for the better, but some can be for the worst.  Certainly for those who lost people close to them, the holidays can be a cruel reminder of those losses. 


For Holden, the issues are, as is typical with him, different.  Holden doesn’t understand why these holidays are only at specific times.  The other day he wanted to go trick or treating, in the middle of March.  I explained to him it wasn’t time for trick or treating, and showed him on the calendar where Halloween is on the calendar.  He has learned about the days of the week, months and time in general at school, but I think it remains a fairly abstract concept to him.  He often asks for “Ten more minutes” when it is time for him to end an activity, or go to bed.  His sense of time in terms of ten minutes is actually pretty accurate,  but judging days, weeks or months is, I think, very hard for him to perceive.  He has asked for presents, when he sees a box in a closet, because he knows that at some abstract time of the year he is given lots of presents in boxes.  He also gets taught about these holidays at school, and often comes home with art that represents these holidays, like decorated eggs for Easter.  


Typically what happens though, is that he wants to continue the activity all year around.  After decorating hard boiled eggs yesterday, he will want to decorate eggs every time we make hard boiled eggs, which is one of his favorite foods.  He loves to peel his own egg and eat it.  I always make him an extra egg just for him, when I boil eggs for egg salad.  So it confuses him to have hard boiled eggs he can’t eat right away.  Likewise he doesn't understand why he can’t go trick or treating all year around, why there are no presents for him all year around, why he doesn’t get sung happy birthday to him everyday, and why he doesn’t get to go to school for weeks at a time.


There is a part of me that thinks he is right.  Why do we only reserve special days for certain activities.  Shouldn’t we be giving all year around, shouldn’t we be thankful all year around, shouldn’t we be allowed to walk around dressed up like a pirate, because we feel like a pirate today.  Like Ebenezer Scrooge, who proclaims “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me.”  So I will help Holden celebrate his 364 unbirthdays, and allow him to dress in a dress if he feels like it.  I don’t think I can allow him to go trick or treating in March, but I don’t think I will over celebrate holidays, but rather allow him to “Keep [the holidays] all the year, [and] live in the past, the present, and the future.”  So happy Easter to all of those that celebrate it, but don’t be surprised if you are on my street if you see Holden dressed up as Sponge Bob this Easter, or if he rings your doorbell and yells “Trick or Treat”.  He loves like it is Christmas every day, so the hell if I am going to stop him enjoying the rest of the holidays all year around.