"All in All"

I am doing something different for this blog.  I am starting it, with no idea what I am going to write about.  In reality, it doesn't really matter, because I begin each blog with an idea of what I am going to write about, but just like writing fiction, I soon find my fingers have taken over.  Of course the best things in life happen this way, organically.  We can’t force our will on the world and expect it to succumb to our wishes.  Sometimes though, life sends us such a treat, a little nugget of perfection, that we didn't anticipate or expect, and it is so awesome.  The key to it, is being open to it, allowing it to enter our soul, and speak to us.  If we are too stuck on our path to notice the beautiful flowers on the side, how are we going to notice when a side trail turns up, and has great things to offer us.  Certainly there is something to planning, and the old saying failing to plan, is planning to fail, has some truth to it, but we also need to be open to the unforeseen.  Sometimes those things are what are meant to be.

This is the best approach to take with Holden, because there is no anticipating every possible contingency.  There are days where I am sure he is so happy, and perfectly in sync, that I could throw anything at him, and he would be flexible.  Of course these are the days I end up frustrated and baffled, and Holden ends up melting down.  What I have begun to realize though is it’s not just about trying to anticipate every possible thing that could come up, it’s also about seizing those moments that come up, and can become part of the plan.  The complete unpredictability of Holden is what makes him predictable.  By accepting this idea, it becomes so much easier to work with him.  It’s about responding to him, and not reacting to him.  It’s about listening to him, and not telling him what to do.  It’s about watching his cues, and learning to anticipate when we are veering off course, and when we are simply stopping to appreciate the flowers on the side of the path.  To let him chose the path that goes off the main path, because in the end it leads to the same place, just with a little change of scenery.  Certainly there are times when the path leads to danger, and then it’s time to reason with him, and show him why that path is a bad choice, and show him the alternative paths that are open to him.  Let him choose the alternative that best suits him.  

Of course this approach to Holden also works on Zane, with even better results, because it teaches him that his choices have repercussions.  How can we expect our children to learn to be responsible, if we never give them choices, and they don’t understand the responsibility in having those choices.  “With great power, comes great responsibility”, what greater power in life is there than choices.  Our life is what it is, because of the choices we make.  Each choice we have, is an opportunity to better ourselves, or make life worse.  To show our moral fabric, or lack of it.  To be the person we want to be, or take the easy path.  To practice what we preach, or be a hypocrite.  That is what I want Zane to understand, not to mirror my beliefs, morals, and ideals, but to understand that he is defining his own by making the choices he makes.

As an adult, I make choices everyday that have repercussions on not only myself, but my boys and countless others.  I don’t always make the right choice, especially when it comes to the boys, but that is called being human.  I would rather make choices that turn out to be mistakes, than not make choices at all.  

Summer Time

It has been my experience that most kids have a few favorite times of year, certainly Christmas is high on the list, Halloween, their birthday, and of course summer vacation.  Certainly there are other dates and times that are special to kids, but these are some of the most loved times.  I think looking back on childhood, a lot of us would also consider these to be significant times in our lives.  

Holden is one of those rare kids, that does not do well over summer.  It’s not so much that he doesn’t like summer, as much as he struggles when he is out of school.  He loses a lot of the structure he so craves, and finds himself wanting for stimulation: sensory, emotional, and intellectual.  

In preparation for this years summer break, we, of course, enrolled Holden in extended school year (summer school in other words) like we do every year, but that is almost three hours shorter than the regular school day.  I also enrolled him in a special summer camp, that had one on ones available to a limited number of developmentally disabled kids.  I was able to put Holden in three weeks of this camp.  I thought this would really help him have some of the structure he wasn’t getting as a result of being out of school.  Unfortunately it did not fulfill his needs, and it became something that he only wanted to participate in certain aspects of.  It was often difficult to get him to go, and I had to stay with him sometimes for over an hour, before he was ready for me to leave.  It was a good experiment, that unfortunately turned out to be the wrong idea.  

For the rest of summer, I dedicated myself to giving Holden all the stimulation he required.  I was in the proverbial catch 22.  I could leave him to his own devices, and become very frustrated and exhausted trying to keep him out of trouble.  Or I could dedicate myself to giving him the stimulation he needed to keep him out of trouble.  This too was exhausting, and sometimes frustrating, but the difference was a happy Holden.  There is no question that Holden happy, and not anxious, and not getting into trouble every second, was much preferable to the alternative.  I just had to drop off the face of the earth for a while.  Even though I was exhausted and sometimes frustrated, it was so great not to be fighting with Holden, having power struggles with him, or literally putting out fires, floods, and mayhem.  

I think next year I will try to find another summer camp, to take up a few of the weeks of no school.  This time I will be searching for much different parameters than what I found this year.  I also will take on the task of being there for him the rest of the time, and create the environment that I now know helps him so much.  There is no question that Holden had his best summer ever.  There is no question that his transition to school has been way smoother.  He has already had to deal with two different bus drivers, and a camera on the bus now, that sometimes works (red light on) and sometimes doesn’t, and he has handled these things much better than I would have thought.  

So I will not make excuses for myself, for having not written a blog in way too long, but I will take shelter in the thought that I succeeded in helping Holden have his best summer since being in school.