"I'm All Alone"

For me, one of the most difficult parts of being a parent of an autistic child, is the extreme isolation it causes. This isolation isn't solely because I am the single parent of an autistic child, the fact that I am extremely introverted doesn't help at all. There is also the fact that I am not a very approachable looking person. I could probably make some effort to make myself more approachable, but it's pretty sad that I should have to. There is also the fact that I am not in control of when I get my free time, that is controlled by outside entities.  

Introversion is a weird thing, in and of itself. In many ways it is very similar to Asperger's. There is social awkwardness, inability to hold eye contact, over sensitivity to sensory stimulation, difficulty in being superfluous in conversation. The equally odd thing about introversion is that, yes I definitely need my alone time, but I also do crave social interaction sometimes. Yet I will do everything in my power to sabotage my own attempts at social interaction. If someone has to cancel on me, I am usually jumping for joy that I don't have to undergo the stress of interacting (or just plain acting) with someone. They usually feel really bad that they are having to flake on me, and I’m like “No Problem!!!”.  But then there are those times where you meet someone, and they make it so easy. Earlier this week I drove down to LA to pick up some gear for my old boss. The guy selling the gear was super nice, and we had a really good conversation. I found myself having to not proclaim my lifelong friendship to this poor guy that just met me. I didn't want the conversation to end, but I had to make the one and a half hour drive back to Santa Barbara, that we all know can sometimes take over four hours. It helped that he was in the music industry. When I worked in music, either as a tech, or a musician, it was always so much easier to interact. For those of us on the road, we all seek genuine connection with people, not fans throwing themselves at us. Okay, maybe we ALL don't crave that, but some of us did. It was easy to talk to local crews, other bands and their techs, because it was in the very safe world of backstage. Nobody cared what I looked like, cause I looked like I fit. Despite the fact that you could not trust them, fans too were very willing to approach me, even if their intentions were to suck information out of me, or try to get backstage, or try to get me to deliver a person message to the band. Sometimes they just treated us techs like celebrities too.  It made it easy for me to get my dose of social interaction.  As they always gave me something to talk about (“What’s it like to tour with…”) it made it easy for me to play my role as the Raodie. Tonight, playing the part of the roadie, Jonas I. Marquez (the crowd goes wild).

As a parent of an autistic child, my opportunities for social interaction are very limited, and are controlled by other people. When I do get a rare moment of free time, I often just want to be alone. Trying to achieve some kind of spontaneous social interaction by going someplace always fails. I am too shy to approach others, and too intimidating to welcome others to approach me. On the rare occasions I do get approached, I am way too awkward to keep anyone's attention. I find myself wanting to make some kind of instant connection with somebody, who just wanted to know what time it was. If I try going somewhere with Holden, I am constantly on high alert, because not only will he run off, he is very intrigued by small kids, and in his enthusiasm to meet them, will act as a bowling ball to them being pins. I'm sure I look like a terrorist about to blow something up, when I am with Holden in these situations. Also when your child is exhibiting behaviors inappropriate to the world at large, people tend to assume it is my lack of parenting, something else that does not inspire interaction. So I remain isolated.

The thing is, like eating McDonald's every day (which I don't, I rarely eat fast food, and never McDonald's), I know this isolation is not healthy for me. I have committed myself to being Holden's caretaker until he is at least 18. That means nine more years of isolating myself. I honestly am concerned about the mental impact of nine more years of isolation. I already find myself having conversations with inanimate objects, and animals. I fear imaginary friends are next. The other thing is, if I do put Holden in some kind of facility when he is eighteen, I fear I will be stacking intense guilt on top of social isolation.  I am likely to be found curled up in my bed, hugging myself, rocking back and forth.  For now, I have Donkey from Shrek singing “I’m All Alone” on permanent repeat in my head.  It can be useful for keeping cheesy top 40 hits from getting stuck in there, but after a while, even Donkey gets old.