IQ vs EQ

Long before John Gray wrote his book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” there has existed a communication gap between the genders.  I will say right up front, that I am no expert on this subject, however, I have a personal take on it, and as you probably have already guessed, it ties into autism.  In Daniel Goleman’s book emotional intelligence, he uses an example of a power lawyer who sustains brain damage in a car accident.  The damage he sustains literally makes him incapable of feeling emotions.  As a result, the man became incapable of making decisions.  It turns out that we use our emotions, as well as our intelligence, to make decisions, no matter how logical a person we might be.  In the example in the Goleman book, the man was asked when he would like to schedule his next doctors appointment.  He was incapable of picking a date, because there were conflicts with each date, so using pure logic, there was no time he could make.  Where a person using intelligence and emotion, could give values to those conflicts.  So the result might be, yes, I have conflicts for each date, but I can’t miss the meeting on this day, and this day is my daughters recital, so this is the least inconvenient time to schedule the appointment.  By using our emotions to prioritise, we can come up with the “lesser of two evils”.  Generally speaking women use more emotions in their decision making process then men.  That does not mean they have less intelligence, just that they weigh emotions heavier in their decision making process then men do.  Reciprocally, men tend to use less emotion, and more logic in their decision making process.  So to create a simple example, when a male is deciding whether they can spend time with their significant other, conflicts in scheduling are going to be harder to over come, then a women who weights emotions heavier.  For him, it is simple, he doesn’t have the time to meet for lunch this week.  For her, it is a matter of prioritizing, making exceptions, and finding a way to make it work.  Not only are they approaching the issue from different perspectives, but they are defining concepts differently.  Meaning impossible to him means something completely different, then it does to her.  We can watch what happens when we remove intelligence from the decision making process, or at least dull the intelligence, and amplify the emotions, by watching people under the influence of alcohol.  The decision making process is once again compromised, this time in favour of emotions, rather then intelligence.  This also clearly demonstrates that women don’t ONLY use emotion in their decision making process, as alcohol affects their decision making process as well.  

Children, again in general, use way more emotion when making a decision, then logic.  Again, it is not that they lack intelligence, but rather that at this point in their development, they are at the mercy of  their emotions.  Unlike the man who couldn’t decide because he couldn’t prioritize with our emotions, children are completely impulsive, wanting to make every decision based on emotion.   Once Zane starts to get upset, you can watch his control on the situation begin to falter.  His emotions take over, and without effort on his part, he loses control of himself.  I have certainly been pushed to the point of anger by Zane, but once I rein in the emotions, I can regain control, and get back to trying to teach, discipline, or explain to Zane what I was trying to explain before losing my temper.  For him, it takes a lot longer to regain that control.  He will be upset for a while, and it will either turn into anger, or self reproach and self pity.  Plus his emotions  magnify geometrically. The more you try to show Zane the error in his way logically, the more he responds emotionally, using sarcasm as his self defence  mechanism.  I don’t think this is odd behavior from a child, Zane just finds very creative ways for nothing to ever be completely his fault.  There by never being accountable completely for his actions.  I should state that he has gotten much better about this, and that these episodes are  becoming fewer and fewer as he matures.  He still has trouble with the accountability issue, but that would seem to be a very human condition.

Holden on the other hand is completely different.  His inability to express emotions conventionally, should never be perceived as a lack of emotions.  He will be seemingly unaffected by most things, then have a very quick out burst of emotion, get very upset very quickly.  Unlike Zane however, if you assist Holden immediately, helping him to express his wants, he will quickly calm down, and express his wants.  The only problem is, if he wants are something that he can not have, he will go right back to being very upset, and potentially melt down.  Once again though, Holden will get over his meltdown very quickly, once it ends. It always amazes me though, how quickly he can get his emotions under control, long enough to be prompted to express what he wants.  He will go from starting to scream and tears flowing, to expressing his wants, if I just say “Holden, what do you want? Use your words.”  With that question and statement, he immediately stops crying and screaming, and will try to express what he wants.  Often he can express it quite clearly, with words.  Other times he may not say the word right, then it becomes a guessing game.  I can usually figure it out, but Zane almost always knows what he is saying.  Zane may not get the big picture of what Holden wants, but he understands the words better then I do.  One day I thought Holden was saying “I want ice cream” to which I said we don’t have any ice cream.  Holden asked again, and I repeated my answer.  Zane, who was working on his homework near by says “Dad, he said he wants to go hiking.” I then ask Holden if he wanted to go hiking, to which he gives an enthusiastic “Yes!”.  The other thing about Holden, is that the more I can prepare him for a situation, the lesser the chance of a melt down.  For instance, on Thursdays I pick up Holden from school, and then go pick up Zane.  I don’t have to pick him up, he has bus service for every day of the week, but I feel the face time with his teacher is important.  Every single time we go get Zane I have to tell Holden “Holden, no ice cream” because there is an ice cream truck that parks outside the school.  If I tell Holden that before we get to the school, he will still ask for it, but when I say “no” he accepts that.  If I don’t tell him in advance, he will have a minor melt down, screaming and kicking for a few yards past the truck.  To me this demonstrates a mind that is more prone to logic, with huge emotional out bursts.  It is a complicated mixture, that is always evolving.  His behaviours create emotional situations, that can often be combated with logic.  Almost the exact opposite of Zane.  I’m sure every parent has to deal with each of their children in different ways, but I really can’t imagine parenting strategies being more different then when parenting one neuro-typical child and one autistic child.  Maybe I need to write a book called neuro-typical children are from Mars, autistic children are from Venus.  Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, I’ll have to work on the title!

A Night in the Life

Recently a co-worker asked me how I manage to cook dinner, on the days I work.  So I thought I would give a little play by play of a typical night after work.  I usually arrive home at around 6:15pm.  As soon as I walk in the house, usually Zane and or Holden are right there, ready to start vying for my attention.  Zane will start asking me to play a game with him, or tell me about his day, or tell me about the book he is reading, mind you my hands are still full of my things at this point.  Holden will usually just start calling out “Daddy”, and want me to participate in what ever he is doing.  I find out any necessary information from which ever one of the nannies is working, like Holden had a good day, or Holden had bad day, or Zane was being a punk today.  After she leaves, I put my lunch stuff away, wash any dishes from my lunch, and ask Zane what he wants for dinner.  I would ask Holden, but he would proceed to name an item, like “Mac and Cheese”.  
Then I would say, “You want Mac and cheese for dinner?” to which he would reply
“No!”. Then he would name his next thing “Quesadilla!”
“Okay buddy you want a quesadilla?”
“No!”.  This would go on until we cycled back to Mac and Cheese, and continue all night.  Zane and Holden tend to like the same things, the one notable exception is that Zane is not fond of quesadillas, and Holden loves them.  Personally, I don’t know how you can go wrong with melted cheese on a crisp flour tortilla, but to each his own, right?  So Zane will pick something he wants to eat, and this is where the bargaining comes in.  If Zane picks something that requires me to do a lot of cooking and cleaning, I tell him he will need to watch Holden.  Depending on his mood, how much he is craving the desired food, and his willingness to help, he will say okay happily, or he will change his meal wants to something more simple.  As it is well documented by this blog, I have some OCD tendencies too.  I won’t leave the kitchen till every dish is washed.  Whatever Zane picks, he has to suffer the repercussions of that choice.  Usually after dinner, they both go outside and play anyways, and I do the dishes.  While I am doing the dishes, Holden usually starts calling me to “I want push you please”, or “Daddy, come on”.  The first being to push him on the swing, the second means any number of things, from going for a “walk”, to scootering with him.  The other night, Holden decided he wanted to scooter around the block, while I jogged along side him.  He and Zane thought this was great fun, as Zane was also on a scooter.  I, on the other hand, was trying to jog with a full stomach, waiting for the untimely reemergence of my dinner.  After going all the way around once, Holden and Zane decided a second time was in order.  They tried for a third, but I was pretty sure dinner was coming up, if we attempted another pass.  So essentially after dinner the boys get to play until it is time to get ready for bed.  

I have to start getting Holden ready for bed around 7:10pm.  This is not a super strict number, but Holden loves to call audibles at bed time.  Lately he has been really into taking showers, often taking two a day.  So when I am trying to get him ready for bed, he will often decide that he wants to take a shower.  I don’t have a problem with it, I think it mellows him out a bit, and gets him dressed for bed when he gets out.  Which seems to also put him in the mood for sleeping.  However, Holden’s bus picks him up at 6:30am, and they want him out, and ready 5 minutes early.  So I wake Holden at 5:50am.  I feel it’s important he is in bed by 8:00pm.  Before discovering the amazing supplement known as melatonin, which by the way, I intend to marry, and spend the rest of my life in bliss with, bed time was not a fun time.  Holden would fight sleep anywhere from 2 to 4 hours a night.  This made for very long exhausting nights for Zane and me.  I wake up at 3:00am and workout while the boys are asleep, so having Holden take until 11:00pm or later to go to sleep could be very frustrating.  As I said, he has to wake up early himself too, so he needs his sleep.  Thankfully that is resolved.  So at around 7:10 we start getting him ready for bed, which consists of drinking his melatonin in juice, going to the bathroom, and brushing his teeth.  You would think that would only take about 5 minutes, but Holden always finds a way to stretch that out.  This is the point in the night where he might decide he wants to take a shower.  He may get all the way in bed, and decide he needs to go to the bathroom again, even though he just did 5 minutes earlier.  So I humour him for a while, but always gently nudging him towards the bed room.  When he finally gets in bed, we put on a video, and sleep usually ensues.  Of course, picking a video often turns into a battle between Zane and Holden, usually with Holden prevailing.  I have to admit though, I think the only person that can actually change Holden’s mind about anything, is Zane.

Brothers

Holden loves his big brother!  For his part, Zane can be very mean to his little brother.  Sometimes I think I am a little over protective of Holden for two reasons.  The first one is obvious, he has a disability.  However, I grew up in a home with all neuro-typical kids, and I was the little brother, and there were times when my brothers could be very cruel to me.  I don’t think they appreciated the potential damage they did to their little brother, physically and emotionally.  There is no question that Zane doesn't understand Holden’s autism completely, and can get annoyed with him, for a multitude of reasons.  He often complains that he wished Holden were a “normal” little brother.  I think if Holden were a neuro-typical little brother, that Zane would spend a lot more time in trouble then he already does.  Neuro-typical or not, big brothers seem to think that little brothers exist to annoy them, and that they are their personal toys to torture as they feel fit.  They always feel that the little brother is more loved then they are, and that the little brother is more spoiled then they are.  Holden has very simple needs, and there is no way that Holden is more spoiled then Zane.  Zane was also the only child for 4 years, and I can assure you my financial situation was much better at that point and time, and Zane reaped the benefits of that.  

Now I have been brutally honest in this blog, and I can tell you, I was a much more annoying little brother then Holden is.  I would go out of my way to antagonize my brothers, to make up for the abuse they put me through (One of my brothers played football, and the other wrestled, and they are 4 and 5 years older then me.  I was their favorite practice dummie).  I had no problem running and hiding behind my mom's skirt, when I pushed to far.  The fact is, there were plenty of times when mom wasn’t around and they took full advantage of her absence.  Growing up I was NOT a morning person, and my brothers found it great sport to push my buttons as often as possible in the anti meridian hours of the day.  We had some pretty brutal fights as kids, that led to broken walls, doors, wooden spoons, and occasionally bones.  Almost every major injury I sustained as a child, was at the hands of one of my brothers.  Whether on accident or on purpose, I can attribute two broken bones (One of which was a broken arm requiring setting, WITHOUT anaesthesia.  Please take my word for it,  you do not want a bone set without anaesthesia, I was 10 years old at the time), 16 stitches, several yellow jacket bites, and a fear of closed places, to my brothers.  Of course, they sustained their fair share of injuries too.  My older brother broke his own hand miss hitting me once.  We were on a first name basis with the Emergency Room staff at Goleta Valley Hospital.  Yet through it all, we could be very protective of one another.  Jumping to the defence of the same sibling that just stuck our head through a wall the day before.

I am beginning to see that protectiveness in Zane.  I related a news story I was reading the other night, about an eleven year old autistic child that was punched, kicked and choked while screaming for mercy, by a bus driver and assistant.  Zane became very upset, and had some rather unkind words, and suggestions for the bus driver and assistant.  In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have even mentioned the whole thing to Zane, but I expressed my own shock out loud when I read the article, and he asked what it was.  I completely agree with some of Zane’s suggestions for the two people, and had a few of my own, however, being a parent, I expressed that it was the job of the legal system to find fit punishment for them.  In reality there probably isn’t a “fit” punishment, but that is another subject.  I think Zane was so affected, as was I, because of Holden.  Certainly neither of us would condone that, even if we didn’t have Holden in our lives.  The fact is, I put Holden on a bus every morning, and Zane often watches me.  Like myself, he could very easily see the same thing happening to our Holden, and Holden not having a voice to defend himself.  

Despite Zane’s ability to be mean to his brother, I think when in need, Zane will have Holden’s back.  I hope as Zane matures, and as Holden progresses, that they become closer.  That they learn to enjoy each others company.  At the very least, I hope they are as fiercely protective of each other, as my brothers and I were growing up!

What's the Plan Stan? (part 2) AKA The Twilight Zone

So I feel the need to clarify, since my last post lacked an essential element of the whole IEP process.  In truth I suspect this will be a topic revisited again and again.  However, the main thing I forgot to mention is that Holden’s  teacher can not recommend services.  So, (in my best Rod Serling voice) imagine if  you will, that you go to the doctor.  It’s annual check up time, and you get to be poked, prodded, and wear a gown that no matter what you do, your derriere, is in the air.  Your doctor checks you out, takes your pulse, blood pressure, temperature, etc.  Then you put your close back on, walk into a room, where there are other doctors, and your insurance agent all sitting at a table, along with your doctor.  The insurance agents asks you if you feel there is anything that requires attention.  You look at your own doctor who simply smiles back at you, and says nothing.  You state that you have some concerns about your cholesterol levels. The insurance agent asks the person representing the lab if there are any concerns about your cholesterol,  the tech looks at your blood work up, and replies that your cholesterol is elevated since your last physical, but still at a good level for your age.  Concerned that your cholesterol has elevated despite your good diet and exercise, you ask your doctor why that is, and if you should be concerned.  Before your doctor can answer your insurance agent tells you that elevated cholesterol can occur for a multitude of reasons, but that since you are within a safe zone for your age, it is nothing to be concerned about.  Not satisfied, you ask your doctor if there are other tests that should be done.  Your doctor tells you that perhaps a more intense work up wouldn’t be a bad idea, and suggest that the lab do a more thorough work up for thyroid and anything else that can be affecting the cholesterol level.  Once again your agent jumps in, saying that extra blood work for your cholesterol is okay, but a complete work up is superfluous since in two years you turn 40 and will be receiving a complete work up.  This is not the Twilight Zone, this is the reality of the IEP.  Okay, perhaps this is a bit of a dramatic representation, but I think most of us want our doctor to be able to suggest solutions to things they find, even if it is not the concern you came in with.

It’s like taking your car to a mechanic, and getting a 35,000 mile service.  The tech looks over the car, finds that your brakes are metal to metal, but they aren’t allowed to tell you, because you did not request your brakes get serviced.  If I don’t request that Holden be assessed for a specific service, and as I stated in the last post, have a good reason for him to receive that assessment, he won’t be assessed for it.  Not because the teacher doesn’t think he may benefit from it, but because the school would rather not have to pay for it.  So if I want my son’s teacher to have all the tools she can get, in order to teach my son as best as possible, I have to make sure I know what the hell I am talking about when I walk into that IEP.  So once again, knowledge it the key.  Knowing what to ask for, why to ask for it, and how to ask for it.  This opportunity only happens once a year, and in terms of assessment, only once every three years for his triennial.  He can certainly get services added at other times, but it is much more difficult then at the IEP time, and getting assessments at anytime other then his triennial is very difficult.  So poor Holden is being assessed till his little but is going to fall off.   I know it’s for the best, and besides, as the video below will show, Holden knows how to relax after a hard day of assessments!

What's the Plan Stan?

I have mentioned this in past posts, and debated in my mind several times whether I should write a post about a particular topic.  I believe the time has come to tackle this behemoth of a subject, the IEP.  Of all the things I have had to learn to deal with, having an autistic child, this is by far the most important.  IEP stands for Individual Educational Plan.  When we send our children to school, they all have an educational plan that the State has set forth for public school.  Each state is different, but within the state, you can bet that Yreka Californina’s 4th grade kids are basically doing the same stuff in school, as the kids in Chula Vista California.  For those unfamiliar with Californian Geography, those are opposite ends of the state.  Certainly there are better and worse teachers, and more and less involved communities, and richer and poorer districts.  All of these things affect the education a child receives, but the idea is they all receive the same basic stuff.  Holden has his own Educational Plan, and it is determined by his teacher, speech pathologist, occupational therapist, school psychologist, general education teacher that Holden spends some time with, doing general ed, and little ole me.  There is always a person at these meetings (at least in my case) who is looking out for the school purse.  They want Holden to be an inexpensive child.  It is my job, to fight my proverbial ass off to get Holden everything he needs to get the best education he can.  The most important thing I need to be, is informed.  Informed of the law, informed of the services, and informed of how the services pertain to Holden.  I can’t just walk in the room, and say “I think Holden needs Assistive Technology” and expect them to just give it to me.  I know, I tried the first time, when another parent suggested it.  The administrator in charge of not spending money, immediately wanted to know why I wanted that, and proceeded to tell me how AT didn’t apply to Holden’s case.  Uninformed at the time, I accepted her long technical reason behind his not needing it.  Then I spent the next few months reading up on AT, how the law deals with it, what it is, who should have it.  It turns out that like a lot of other things, the law is very open and vague, so that it can reach as many kids as possible, BUT if you don’t know how to sell it for your child, it’s also easy to show how the child doesn’t need it.  This year Holden is being evaluated for AT, I have already spoken to the evaluator, and she is confident that Holden would benefit from it, and looks forward to working with Holden this year.  Nothing is certain, and I will still have to prove his need for it, but now the person who’s job depends on kids requiring AT will be fight in my corner, to add another student to her list of kids requiring AT services.  

These are the battles we fight for our kids.  The law is on their side, the educators are on their side, but the district is looking out for it’s purse, and when they have to spend money, their rectal sphincter gets tighter then a piccolo snare drum in a ska band.  The only tool we as parents have, is knowledge, and taking the time to acquire it.  There are also advocates as well, and I am fortunate to have someone in my corner in that capacity too!

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The Perfect Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

For a long time I have used an idiom of my own making.  I like to call it “The grilled Cheese Sandwich” idiom.  The idea behind it, is that there are a thousand ways to make a perfect grilled cheese sandwich.  Which way we choose to make it, doesn’t really matter, it’s obtaining the perfect grilled cheese sandwich for ourselves, that’s what really matters.  It is a concept I use for a lot of things, philosophy, religion, music, etc.  I don’t know how other parents name their children, but when it came time for us to name the boys, there was much debate.  We essentially started throwing names out to each other.  Some were immediately rejected, “Oh no, I knew I guy in high school named such and such, he was an a-hole.”  Then there was those that we both didn’t reject right away.  We knew gender both times, so that narrowed down the names as well.  Eventually we came up with a short list.  I believe a name can have a big impact on a persons life, “Freakonomics” dedicated an interesting chapter to that subject.  For me, it was the literary connection to both names that appealed, as well as the name it’s self of course.  I wasn’t going to name my kids Ernest, no matter how much I appreciate Hemingway's body of work.  So in my mind, Zane’s name came from Zane Grey, one of the most prolific authors of Spaghetti Westerns (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_western), before there was even such a thing as a Spaghetti Western.  Honestly, I am not a huge fan of his work, but I like the name, and liked the literary connection.  Like wise for me, Holden is named after Holden Caulfield from J.D. Salinger's book “The Catcher in the Rye”.  This book has quite a lot of baggage to it, enough to support it’s own blog, from John Lennon’s Death, to it being the conspiracy theory bible (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Catcher_in_the_Rye), and in my opinion isn’t J.D. Salinger's best book.  However, I really liked the name, and I absolutely love J.D.Salinger’s books, including “Catcher in the Rye”.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think the name would be the absolute perfect grilled cheese sandwich for Holden.  

Mr. Caulfield becomes disillusioned with life, and all the “phonies” in it.  His goal is to become the Catcher in the Rye, and keep kids from becoming corrupt, superficial people.  In the end he seemingly succumbs to the whole process, and essentially becomes a “phony” himself.  My Holden is the real deal.  There is nothing superficial, materialistic, or phony about him.  He loves unconditionally.  Things do not appeal to him, only people.  He doesn’t even watch television, preferring videos (Often the same videos, over and over again), and could care less what the newest,  coolest toy, trend, or clothes is.  He does not lie, in fact, I think he doesn’t even understand the concept.  He is very of the moment, at all times. He is very creative, in very unconventional ways.  The best part is, no matter how much he develops, and assimilates, these are the things that won’t change.

Holden is an incredibly happy child.  He loves to play, loves to be tickled, loves to hug.  Certainly he can have bad days, or get upset by things, but his over all demeanor is always happy.  Even when he is completely destroying a room, it is all for fun in his mind.  The hardest part is that his batteries never run out.  He is always looking for his next adventure.  Whether it’s pulling all the clothes out of the dresser, or taking every book out of the book shelf, or dumping out all the shoes, he does it all while smiling.  His needs are basic, and his enjoyment simple.  As I have stated before, he can be happy being pushed on the swing for long periods of time.  He loves to go for Holden style walks and hikes, loves to drive around in the car and loves to swim.  He loves to sing to himself, or with other people.  (I recently realized that Holden writes music.  He sings little melodies that he repeats.  For instance he made up a song that is just the word apple juice sung over and over again.  There is a distinct melody and phrasing of that melody, and it is not spontaneous anymore, he sings it at different times, exactly the same way.)  

I would love for Holden to not be autistic, for his sake, Zane’s sake, and my own.  However, where Holden Caulfield failed, My Holden succeeds in being The Catcher in the Rye, at least for his own sake, and mine, and possibly Zane’s.  I am so much less uptight then I used to be.  When Holden starts singing, or being loud in public, I join right in.  people are welcome to stare, I don’t care anymore, I used too!