Dichotomy, as defined by Merriam-Websters is: A division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities. I find language to be so interesting. On one hand it has replaced our ability to visualize things in our heads. We have come to think in language. When I was a wee little lad in collage, I had a general psychology class. They showed us that we read before we look. They would put words on a screen that were written in a color that contradicted with what was written. In other words the word “red” was written in say blue ink. When asked to name what color the word was written in, it was very hard not to say red when the answer was blue. I have often stated that poetry isn’t the ability to express in words our deepest emotions, but rather the ability to express that language is not capable of expressing our deepest emotions. It is only when we paint with language, through metaphor, that we can truly express ourselves. I am going to jump to a tangent here for a second, and further state that I believe autistic people have so much trouble with language, because they think in visualization, not language. That means they are like an ESL (English as a second language) speaker, trying to translate in their heads from imagery, to language. This is purely my opinion, and I have no research to back this statement, but when you watch Holden trying to find the words for what he wants to express, it is like watching an ESL person. Anyway, that was a tangent, back to Dichotomy. I love language, despite it’s imperfections, but also try to still visualize, and use my inner eye for seeing things other then just words. Language is a lot like a person, it is capable of showing such grace and beauty, like Mikhail Baryshnikov or Yo-Yo Ma, or be a clumsy drunkard, stumbling along a dingy street. For some reason “Dichotomy” feels like the perfect word to express something I witnessed with Zane and Holden recently.
Over Christmas, the boys mother came out from Arizona to visit the boys for four days. From beginning to end, there was such a dichotomy as to how the boys reacted to this visit. Both boys love their mother very much, and are very happy when she visits, but the similarities end right about there. From the very beginning of the visit, to the very end, they reacted very differently. Holden doesn’t want to let his mother out of his sight when she is in town, but makes it very clear that he wants both of us, his parents, to be with him. He loves holding both our hands as he walks, and only wants to go for a drive, if we are all going for a drive. Zane on the other hand, prefers to have one on one time with both of his parents. Taking advantage of not having to be second fiddle to Holden’s special needs. He doesn’t want us both being together, and wants which ever parent he in not with, to keep Holden out of his one on one time. However he is very diplomatic about it, in that he is very careful to show equal affection for both of us. If he tells his mother that he loves her, he immediately tells me that he loves me too, and vice a versa. There is a sense of this being almost dutiful on his part. Holden, on the other hand, has no problem showing a great deal of affection for whom ever he feels inclined to at the time, without the need to be fair and prudent. When it was time for their mother to go home, the boys once again reacted very differently. Holden, ever being so in the moment, seemed to simply accept that it was time for his mother to leave, and life went back to normal for him. I don’t want to give the impression that he doesn’t miss his mother, or other people in his life that he had to leave behind when we moved, he most certainly does. He just seems to accept that they are not in the present, and there is no point trying to make them in the present when they are not. Zane on the other hand gets very upset when his mother leaves, and remains sad for some time. Things will remind him of her, and make him sad again. This was also the way he reacted to our dog that we had to put to sleep last year. It was very traumatic for all of us, but Zane and I would both get sad when we were reminded of her, and Holden was accepting of her absence from our lives. I am once again going to jump to a tangent, and say that I believe Holden’s thinking in this way, being in the present, is a very enlightened way of thinking. There really is no point in having the absence of someone so drastically affect our present, when there are so many things passing us by in the doing so. That is not to say we shouldn’t miss people, when they are either gone from our presence, or departed from their mortal coils. I think we can honor them and the memories we have for them, but need not have it take away from the joy and happiness that is potentially all around us, if we can live in the present, and not be concerned about the past or future.
It was very interesting for me to observe this dichotomy between my two boys, who share so much genetic information. To observe the stark contrast in the way they approach so many things in life, is always so interesting to watch. I think of my own brothers and how differently we approach life. How do we develop these great differences, with so many aspects of our lives being so similar. It’s no wonder we have so much trouble understanding the ways of different cultures and ideologies, when two brothers can have such varied reactions to the same parameters.
Over Christmas, the boys mother came out from Arizona to visit the boys for four days. From beginning to end, there was such a dichotomy as to how the boys reacted to this visit. Both boys love their mother very much, and are very happy when she visits, but the similarities end right about there. From the very beginning of the visit, to the very end, they reacted very differently. Holden doesn’t want to let his mother out of his sight when she is in town, but makes it very clear that he wants both of us, his parents, to be with him. He loves holding both our hands as he walks, and only wants to go for a drive, if we are all going for a drive. Zane on the other hand, prefers to have one on one time with both of his parents. Taking advantage of not having to be second fiddle to Holden’s special needs. He doesn’t want us both being together, and wants which ever parent he in not with, to keep Holden out of his one on one time. However he is very diplomatic about it, in that he is very careful to show equal affection for both of us. If he tells his mother that he loves her, he immediately tells me that he loves me too, and vice a versa. There is a sense of this being almost dutiful on his part. Holden, on the other hand, has no problem showing a great deal of affection for whom ever he feels inclined to at the time, without the need to be fair and prudent. When it was time for their mother to go home, the boys once again reacted very differently. Holden, ever being so in the moment, seemed to simply accept that it was time for his mother to leave, and life went back to normal for him. I don’t want to give the impression that he doesn’t miss his mother, or other people in his life that he had to leave behind when we moved, he most certainly does. He just seems to accept that they are not in the present, and there is no point trying to make them in the present when they are not. Zane on the other hand gets very upset when his mother leaves, and remains sad for some time. Things will remind him of her, and make him sad again. This was also the way he reacted to our dog that we had to put to sleep last year. It was very traumatic for all of us, but Zane and I would both get sad when we were reminded of her, and Holden was accepting of her absence from our lives. I am once again going to jump to a tangent, and say that I believe Holden’s thinking in this way, being in the present, is a very enlightened way of thinking. There really is no point in having the absence of someone so drastically affect our present, when there are so many things passing us by in the doing so. That is not to say we shouldn’t miss people, when they are either gone from our presence, or departed from their mortal coils. I think we can honor them and the memories we have for them, but need not have it take away from the joy and happiness that is potentially all around us, if we can live in the present, and not be concerned about the past or future.
It was very interesting for me to observe this dichotomy between my two boys, who share so much genetic information. To observe the stark contrast in the way they approach so many things in life, is always so interesting to watch. I think of my own brothers and how differently we approach life. How do we develop these great differences, with so many aspects of our lives being so similar. It’s no wonder we have so much trouble understanding the ways of different cultures and ideologies, when two brothers can have such varied reactions to the same parameters.
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