"Epiphany"

I was watching some videos by a really cool artists who goes by Prince Ea.  On his Facebook page he actually refers to his page, and what he does as: Fitness-Music-Inspiration.  He has a catchphrase that is “I Make Smart Cool”.  He does these 60 seconds of wisdom videos, makes music videos, and does some really cool spoken word stuff too.  ***Warning*** some of his stuff is explicit.  He did this awesome rap called “Backwards Rap” that is very creative (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUcJRKVuPak).  His spoken word piece “Why I Think The World is Ending” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itvnQ2QB4yc), is beautiful, insightful, honest, and motivating.  In one of his 60 seconds of wisdom videos, he finishes the video with a quote, a nugget of old wisdom. “Seek to understand, before you are understood.”  I don’t know who originally came up with the idea, but if you do a google search, you find that everybody and their brother has used it.  It shows up a lot as a good habit of mindful people, and mindful living.  I think it is an awesome concept.  I tend to be someone who listens, more than talks.  Quite often when I am really upset about something, and it is bothering me, I will call a friend, but instead of venting my problems, I will ask them how they are.  Quite often they unleash some frustration of their own, that I listen too, and offer any words that I can to help them.  I leave myself out of the conversation though, and just listen or try to help.  By the end of the conversation, I feel better about my own issue, and the friend on the other end of the phone also feels better.  It is a win/win situation.  

This quote, concept, ideal… whatever you want to call it, happens to apply very well to raising an autistic child.  Once again, it also applies to neuro typical children as well, as is often the case.  Sometimes I feel like Holden’s In Home Behavioural Therapist gets so caught up in trying to teach Holden flexibility, tolerance to transitions, and expressive and functional communication, that he forgets to try and understand Holden.  Holden has recently shown a propensity for paraphrasing his scripts.  Allow me to explain what the hell I am talking about to all of you who do not have children on the spectrum.  Scripts are phrases that Holden can use in particular situations.  We don’t make a whole lot of specific scripts for Holden, like some people do with autistic kids.  What we do is offer answers, when he is responding inappropriately.  For instance if a video doesn’t work on Youtube, rather than him screaming, yelling, and biting himself, we would suggest he say something like “I am frustrated”.  Essentially he already is saying this, but in the language that is easiest for him to communicate in i.e. screaming, yelling, and biting himself.  So we try to give him a different way to communicate.  If someone says “See you later” to Holden, we may tell him “Oh, Holden you could say ‘okay, bye (insert persons name)’” and ask him to make eye contact with said person.  Lately though, you can give Holden a script, and he says Screw you, I’m saying it my way (not literally).  For instance I can say, “You need to ask me ‘Dad, can I have a glass of lemonade please’” and he will come back with “Dad, I want more juice please”.  I think this is awesome, because 1) he is coming up with his own way of asking, and 2) it shows he completely understands what I am requesting of him.  So when he is asked by his therapist to place his shoes by the door, and Holden walks over to his shoes and puts them on, the therapist will say “Let’s try again, I said put your shoes by the door.”  If you give Holden a little latitude though, you will find he will never pick up his shoes and carry them to the door, he will instead put them on, walk over to the door, and then take them off by the door.  Is this the most efficient way to put your shoes by the door? perhaps not, but it is effective, and fulfills the requirement.  I have learned to give Holden a chance, so that I can understand him, before I need him to understand me.  Sometimes I find that he is just doing something in his own way.  That doesn’t mean sometimes he isn’t  just trying to avoid doing what he is supposed to do, but I don’t want to jump to that conclusion first.  I have learned to not get frustrated with the therapist either, he works with several kids, everyday.  For the 10 hours a week that he is here, I let him run the show, for the other 158 hours of the week, I give Holden more leeway.  Sometimes it pays off, and I get to understand him, and sometimes it doesn’t, then I help him understand me.  I just want to make sure I give him the opportunity to be understood, before I require him to understand me.

p.s. The picture below is the specific generic profile pic that Holden likes to use on some of his accounts. He will have me change out a different generic profile pic, to this one.