An interesting thing has transpired in my life. As things seemingly got worse and worse in my life, I have became more and more positive. The thing is, I never really realized it, other people have pointed it out to me. The past ten years have not been perfect, by any means. My son was diagnosed with Autism and A.D.H.D., my wife left me, my mom who has Parkinson's, had to fight ovarian cancer, my job that is entirely commission based had already suffered a 30% drop in numbers due to the economy, then cut my pay a further 20%, and I had to quit touring. Here is the irony, I think any one or two of these things would have probably sent me into such a deep depression, that I may never have come out of it, however, having them all happen, has left me with a sense that I can survive almost anything. That I was able to put aside my own wants and needs even further then I already had, and do what is best for my kids, has made me a truly happy person. That is not to say that there are not days that I get down about things. Especially when it comes to Zane, and not being able to give him the life I want to. Then he says “I love you dad” and he doesn’t just say it once a week, or once a day, he says it all the time, every day. Then there is Holden, who seeks comfort in me when he is upset, when he is sick, when he is hurt. To hear him say “Daddy. . .” followed by anything, is more heart warming then anything I can think of. Being able to take care of these two boys, especially Holden, has made me more patient, strong emotionally, and much more mature. They have helped me find a balance in life, and not spend all my time worrying about what I don’t have. This wasn’t something I understood, it was people who knew me, and knew what I was going through, and yet saw me smiling, and laughing, that told me things had changed. They were right, I never smiled and laughed. I am still a dark person, but not like I had been my whole life, now I am dark, because I love the beauty in dark things. Mozart’s Requiem Mass is a dark piece of music, but it is also absolutely beautiful. Samuel Barber’s Adagio for strings is also very dark, but every single time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes with it’s sad beauty. Bands like Alice in Chains, Nirvana, Death Cab For Cutie, and Radiohead have very dark music too, but it is also all so very beautiful.
The thing is, without embracing the dark, how can we really understand the light. Without diving into the depths of our darkest corners of our soul, how can we appreciate the golden bright parts of it. I am happy now, not because I sought happiness, I am happy now, because I faced my darkest hour, and resolved myself to accept it, and allow myself to see the light that still shined even in that darkest of hours. Just like Mozart’s Requiem, that takes us to our darkest hour, but shows us how beautiful, yes sad, but still beautiful that even death can be. It is so that our lives are one big Requiem, our life long Mass for the dead, that can be sad, and dark, and beautiful, and full of light and life. I want to spend the rest of my days listening to Holden’s Requiem, and Zane’s Requiem, and those of my dear friends that are so important to my life. I want to hear the beautiful, dark, sad, and uplifting music that emanates from all of them. My three friends in the Bay Area, you know who you are! My two friends here in San Diego county, and even one in the desert, who probably doesn’t believe I am speaking of her. This is the music that moves my soul, each so different from each other, yet each so beautiful in it’s own way.
To me, Holden and Zane are my Magnus Opus, they are the music that has taught me how to be happy, perhaps for the first time in my life. They are the music that has shown me the light, and after so many years of being in the dark, I can fully appreciate the beauty from their light. They are the ones that bring a smile to my face, that everyone else has begun to take note of. They are the ones that have laughter dancing on my lips, for no particular reason. They are the ones that shine so bright, that even on the darkest days, I can see their light radiating. Yes the last ten years have not been perfect, but they have made me realize something I always knew about people, but didn’t know it applied to life as well. I have always known, and appreciated that it is our imperfections that make us unique and beautiful, but now I know that it is life’s imperfections that make life beautiful. That a perfect life, like a perfect person, doesn’t exist, and lacks depth and beauty. So to all of those who see me smile and laugh, and don’t understand how I can feel that way, as I live through all these “tough times”, don’t know a secret I know, my imperfect life is beautiful, BECAUSE it is imperfect. That Holden and Zane are beautiful, because they are imperfect. That the music I hear in them, and my close friends, is so beautiful, because it is imperfect. Most of all, I appreciate the dark, just as much as I do the light, because true happiness comes from the balance of accepting that there is no light, without darkness!
The thing is, without embracing the dark, how can we really understand the light. Without diving into the depths of our darkest corners of our soul, how can we appreciate the golden bright parts of it. I am happy now, not because I sought happiness, I am happy now, because I faced my darkest hour, and resolved myself to accept it, and allow myself to see the light that still shined even in that darkest of hours. Just like Mozart’s Requiem, that takes us to our darkest hour, but shows us how beautiful, yes sad, but still beautiful that even death can be. It is so that our lives are one big Requiem, our life long Mass for the dead, that can be sad, and dark, and beautiful, and full of light and life. I want to spend the rest of my days listening to Holden’s Requiem, and Zane’s Requiem, and those of my dear friends that are so important to my life. I want to hear the beautiful, dark, sad, and uplifting music that emanates from all of them. My three friends in the Bay Area, you know who you are! My two friends here in San Diego county, and even one in the desert, who probably doesn’t believe I am speaking of her. This is the music that moves my soul, each so different from each other, yet each so beautiful in it’s own way.
To me, Holden and Zane are my Magnus Opus, they are the music that has taught me how to be happy, perhaps for the first time in my life. They are the music that has shown me the light, and after so many years of being in the dark, I can fully appreciate the beauty from their light. They are the ones that bring a smile to my face, that everyone else has begun to take note of. They are the ones that have laughter dancing on my lips, for no particular reason. They are the ones that shine so bright, that even on the darkest days, I can see their light radiating. Yes the last ten years have not been perfect, but they have made me realize something I always knew about people, but didn’t know it applied to life as well. I have always known, and appreciated that it is our imperfections that make us unique and beautiful, but now I know that it is life’s imperfections that make life beautiful. That a perfect life, like a perfect person, doesn’t exist, and lacks depth and beauty. So to all of those who see me smile and laugh, and don’t understand how I can feel that way, as I live through all these “tough times”, don’t know a secret I know, my imperfect life is beautiful, BECAUSE it is imperfect. That Holden and Zane are beautiful, because they are imperfect. That the music I hear in them, and my close friends, is so beautiful, because it is imperfect. Most of all, I appreciate the dark, just as much as I do the light, because true happiness comes from the balance of accepting that there is no light, without darkness!
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