"My Name is Jonas"

I think one of the strongest gifts a person can have is objective self analysis.  I have already stated on many occasion that it is very hard to live in reality, and not allow ourselves to create our own reality.  However, it takes going an extra step to try and self evaluate ourselves as often as possible.  These moments of self evaluation are potentially dangerous though, because it gives ourselves the potential to victimise ourselves, so once again that objective honesty is very important.  Parents especially require this skill, as we are required to make very important choices for our kids.  We collect in as much data as we can.  Data from our kids, from teachers, from observation, and from that data, we try to piece together our childrens reality as best we can.  We try to set bias aside and look at our own kids from the perspective of an outsider.  This is no easy task.  Kids tend to be very biased, and are not usually full of details.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have asked Zane what he did in school on any given day, and his reply would seem to only take up about ten minutes of the day.  Certainly something had to transpire to take up the other six and a half hours of the day.  So it starts from within ourselves, and being honest with ourselves, and evaluating ourselves.


It was during one such self evaluation that I made a discovery about myself.  I realized that I am harder on Zane, because Holden is autistic.  I want to be clear here, I am not saying life is harder, because Zane’s brother is autistic, that is certainly the case.  Zane’s life would be easier if his brother were not autistic.  What I mean is that I don’t think I would be as hard on Zane, if his brother were not autistic.  This was not an easy thing for me to discover.  I don’t like the idea that I treat Zane differently, and honestly, harder, because of his brother.  So why do I do it?


There are a lot of things that Holden truly does not comprehend.  They almost always pertain to social aspects of life.  Like literally playing with fire, playing with sharp objects, running with sharp objects.  All the things that most of us learn at a very young age.  When I really stop and think about it, the number of things that Holden could potentially hurt himself, and others with, is overwhelmingly frightening.  It is a constant worry for me that he could seriously hurt himself.  So when Zane does something irresponsible, like take off to a friends house without his cell phone, I tend to get very upset with him, because he does know better.  Is this something that most kids his age probably do, most certainly yes, hell his mom used to do it all the time when we were still together, and it drove me crazy.  It is in those situations, that Zane just doesn’t stop and use his head, that I know I am too hard on him.  I believe it is because everyday I see someone who can’t do so many things that other people his age can do, and then I see Zane who is so intelligent and so capable of so many things, and he doesn’t always do it.  In terms of school, Zane has a bad habit of doing the minimum to get by.  He is capable of so much more, all of his teachers, especially in the last four years, have all said this about him, and I see it myself when I help him with his homework.   


It reminds me of the scene in Good Will Hunting, when Will is talking to his childhood friend, and his friend asks him why he is still working in construction when he has all these offers to do great things:


Will: What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live here the rest of my fuckin' life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Foley Field. 


Chuckie: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, in 20 years if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fuckin' kill ya. 


Will: What the fuck you talkin' about? 


Chuckie: You got somethin' none of us have... 


Will: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to? 


Chuckie: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time. 


In a nutshell, I catch myself feeling Zane owes it to his little brother to be the best he can be, because he can!  Holden may never have a “normal” life.  He may always be socially awkward, he may always struggle in school and work, he may always have to be taken care of, we just don’t know at this point.  Is it fair to have this attitude about Zane because of Holden, HELL NO it’s not fair.  When I look at myself, honestly, I see I am doing that to Zane.  It means I have to be even more vigilant to not do it.  Zane has enough pressure on him, having an autistic brother, he doesn’t need me treating him like the kid with the winning lottery ticket in his pocket, that he doesn’t take care of or treat with respect.  We all have so many things going for ourselves, that we forget about, until we see people who don’t have those things.  But Zane is just a kid, and he has a lot of time to figure out that he has a lot of incredible gifts in his life.  Does that mean I let him waste those gifts, no.  It means I don’t blame him for having them, when Holden doesn’t.  That is what I have been doing to my son, blaming him for having what his brother doesn’t and not appreciating it.  All I can say is, bad Jonas!