It’s September 14th 1996. I have just flown into the Minneapolis St. Paul area of Minnesota the night before. I am single, attending California Institute for the Arts MFA acting program in Valencia Ca. I have flown out to work a show for my friends in Toad The Wet Sprocket. Unbeknownst to me in less then three months these same friends will offer me a full time touring gig, and I will drop out of Grad school to go tour North America with them as a roadie and extra musician, playing on national television, national radio shows like “Modern Rock Live” and “Rock Line” and perform for thousands of people live every night. Today, September 14th 1996, is my birthday (for all those who bug me about when my B-Day is, here is your chance), and we are playing an outdoor Ben and Jerry’s festival. The crowd is 20,000 strong and we are the headliner for the festival. Just prior to our taking the stage, Ben and Jerry themselves show up and talk with us. One of the members of the band tells them it’s my birthday, so they hand me a few gift certificates for free pints of ice cream (The first time I used one was a week later in Valencia, my roommate and I go to the scoop shop and I present the card to the girl working. She proceeds to flip out, because she realizes that the gift certificate is signed by the actual Ben and Jerry, it was pretty fun to watch!). During the show I am doing my usual thing, tuning guitars and handing off guitars in between songs, playing guitar and organ on the few songs I play on. Sometime towards the end of our set, I go to hand Glen his acoustic guitar, and take his electric from him, when he reaches out and grabs my collar before I can walk off stage. He tells the audience that today is my birthday, that I have been a friend of the band for years, working one off’s for them. Dean tells them I am attending Cal Arts, and as it is his favorite part of the school, explains how it is a clothing optional campus. Out of nowhere someone in the crowd starts singing happy birthday, soon the whole crowd has joined in. I can tell you right now, having 20,000 people sing you happy birthday is quite an experience. Over all the show was awesome. After the show was over, I started tearing down gear, as the audience started filing out. As they walked past the stage people continued to wish me happy birthday. After the show the band took me out to dinner at one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook the food right at your both. It’s probably a no brain-er to say that this was my best birthday ever. So why am I writing about this in this blog?
In reflecting about my life, all the places I have been, all the things I had the privileged of being apart of. All the places I got to see, 42 states, throughout Canada, and eventually Europe. Having fans envy me for my job, envy me for getting to play with the band, and envying me for being close to something that was untouchable to them. What I now know is that I never learned how to get out of the way of myself and enjoy any of it. I have incredible memories, like the one I just told. Those will be mine so long as I have a memory, but I was still depressed a lot back then. The thing that has taught me how to get out of the way of myself, and how to truly enjoy life, is Holden. I can watch Holden sleep for hours, and get such joy out of it. The same applied to Zane, but only after Holden taught me how to get over myself. I can remember being embarrassed by Zane when he would draw attention to me in a public area. I would get upset with him, for being so social, never to him, but in my head I was made uncomfortable. I have had some phenomenal compliments about my own performances, in both music and acting, but I was always to embarrassed to receive them properly. So much of my life was spent feeling unworthy of a lot of things. Holden doesn’t have any of that crap, that baggage we all carry with us. The baggage that either cripples us socially, or makes us over compensate. I watch Zane yearn for attention, and bask in it when he receives it, and thirst for more. It worries me. Holden has no need for that. He loves unconditionally, and feels no shame, embarrassment, envy, greed, or gluttony. He enjoys the moment with no concern for the past or future. How long have I spent meditating, reading, self evaluating to try and achieve a fraction of that?
I am nowhere near Holden’s level of Zen, his ability to exist in the now. However, for the first time in my life, I am realizing that to achieve that kind of enlightenment requires one to step the hell out of their own way. Holden is free, not because no one else is stand in front of him, he is free because he is not holding himself back. My life changed forever the day Zane was born, my very core changed for the better, now it is my very soul that is changing. I wish I could go back to September 14th 1996, and grab that freshly turned 26 year old by the back of the neck, and tell him how stupid he is for not living in the moment. To tell him that his life is so rich right now, and so full of adventures that are just waiting to be had. That he has to grab life by the horns and live it like there is no tomorrow. Because too soon tomorrow might be a day when you find out your beautiful baby boy is autistic.
It’s very ironic to me, that my life is happier and richer now, then it was when I was living the rock and roll life style, and it is because of the profound wisdom of a six year old, who has no idea that he is enlightened. I hope his big brother can learn the same lessons from him , that I have. I know that Zane has a different outlook on a lot of things then most kids his age, and I think some of that is Holden’s doing. I can’t go back in time, but I can make myself a life long student of Zen Master Holden, and I can’t think of a better pursuit in life!
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