"Good Intentions"

Consequentialism is the concept that the consequences of one’s conduct are the ultimate judgement about the rightness of that conduct.  A moral right act, in consequentialism is one that produces a good outcome, or consequence.  The saying “The end justifies the means” is a simplification of this idea.  In it’s most raw form, the idea seems pretty benign, however when put into practice it becomes less benign.  For instance, put the twist of “My aim for greater good makes all the evils I have done right.”  Now we are accepting evil doing as being okay, so long as we achieve a positive outcome.  As we can see, this idea gets very sticky, very quickly.  The next logical step is justifying one’s evil actions as having had the best of intentions, when a positive outcome is not reached.  So we jump from the moral idea of allowing our consequences to determine the moral correctness of our actions, to allowing ourselves to do anything, so long as our intentions were good.  I believe this line of thinking to be a fatal trap, that I think all of us have faced, if not used to justify our actions.

When I made the choice to move my family to Santa Barbara, back to Santa Barbara for Zane and I, I had quite a few solid arguments for doing so.  None the less in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help thinking that my actions were partially motivated by the idea that I would be able to justify my actions by the consequences of my actions.  The question is, was my motivation truly the best interest of my boys? Or was I doing what I wanted to do, because it was what I wanted?  

My arguments for bringing the boys here were many: The schools here are way better, and there would be more opportunities for both of the boys.  I would have more, and better support from family then I did in Escondido.  I could contribute more to my mother who has Parkinson's, if in no other way, by just being here for her.  I could take the boys out of a living condition that had elements of the very things I swore not expose my children too, and had become intolerable.  I could leave the industry that had changed my life for the worse over the past thirteen years.  I could raise my children in a much safer, and culturally richer environment.

I can honestly say that all of these things have transpired, and even better then I could have imagined or dreamed.  Zane was in G.A.T.E. in Escondido, but they had no budget for it, so it was in name only, here he goes to G.A.T.E. every Wednesday, and is given the challenges he needs.  Holden has received the support I had to fight so hard for in Escondido, without the slightest argument.  To make matters even better, the Regional Center here has been significantly more helpful, and very prompt to give Holden even more services outside the school. In terms of family, Zane has benefited greatly, as I hoped he would.  His grandparents are involved in his life, and he is getting piano lessons from his grandmother.  His grandparents took him to a Play the other day, and he had a blast.  These are the opportunities to do things away from Holden, I couldn’t give him in Escondido. I have been able to visit my mother frequently since moving back here, something that I think has benefited both of us.  Our living condition has vastly improved, and made the ability for in home services to be more feasible and stress free.  

Despite all of these things, and more, I still can’t help feeling that I allowed myself to make the choice based of the anticipation of a good outcome.  The one thing that has not come to fruition yet, is a job for myself.  I left a job that paid me very well.  Despite all the cuts and loss of business, it was still a good paying job.  I know I am happier now that I am free from that work, but that won’t put food on the table, or keep a roof over our head.  The truth is, I couldn’t keep going with the financial situation I had found myself in.  I wasn’t able to pay for everything on what I was making, even though I was making good money.  Ironically it was the job that made more expenses in child care.  Working 4/10’s meant I had to have child care before and after school on the days I worked, and all day care on Saturdays.  It made no sense to switch careers and move to a different place in Escondido, when there were so many better opportunities for the boys here in Santa Barbara.  Yet despite all these things, I still can’t help that I made this change for myself, and that I was going to use the ends to justify the means.  

I suppose in the end, this entire blog is about the moral dilemma I find myself facing everyday.  I can certainly justify my actions by the great outcome, but what if it had played out differently?  What if I continue to have work elude me?  Did I make this decision with sound reasoning? Or did I make it on good intentions?