I have been brewing over whether to write on a specific topic that has been bothering me for some time. Anybody who regularly reads this blog knows that I tend to steer away from political things. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to determine that I am pretty damn liberal, an ideology I have had since I was young. Certainly the way voting has transpired for legislature on the subject of autism has further cemented my views. In truth, what I want to write about is nothing so vile as to even be called political. I had to go back to my very first post though, to really feel comfortable writing on this subject. In my first ever blog http://autismandmytwoboys.blogspot.com/2011/09/in-beginning.html I state that one of the reasons for this blog is to vent. I am about to do so. Should you not care to hear my venting, then I strongly suggest you stop reading this post right here. Ironically, I have probably guaranteed people reading on from this point by making that statement. I want to say it was Metalica that stated during a Grammy acceptance speech, something to the effect of, “It just goes to show, put a parental warning label on a record and it will sell a few million more copies”.
As I have stated before on this blog, I read a lot of other peoples blogs. I believe the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) community to be a fairly tight knit community. Everyone is very supportive of each other, and we all can relate to most of the situations we all write about. However, I have become pretty exasperated over a single idea. That idea is that nobody understands the sacrifices of a “mother”. I read so many people talking about how mothers make huge sacrifices, mothers never get a break, mothers end up dealing with the brunt of the responsibilities, from the school battles over IEP’s to dealing with sick kids. Mothers need to take time for themselves and not feel guilty. I full respect mothers, I actually have one, she’s pretty cool. That doesn’t mean they own the rights to parenting. I am here to tell you, for over a year and a half I have been the only person dealing with all of these issues. This father, truly appreciates the role of the primary care giver of ASD kids. Hell, I fully appreciate the role of the primary care giver of neurotypical kids, having one of those too. Whether people parent as a team, or an individual deals with the majority of the “kid related” issues, it is an incorrect assumptions to expect the “mother” to be at the center of that. I have no doubt in my mind that I am touching on a touchy subject here. I also confess that I am probably the minority in the primary care giver statistics. That doesn’t mean that mothers can play the mothers instincts, or mothers intuition, or the “I cared this life inside me” card. I respect the fact the female body is truly amazing. Not only do they grow a life inside themselves, they also grow an organ ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placenta ) in the process. Most men only know how to play with their organ, certainly not grow a new one. I also have a huge amount of respect for women in general. There is no doubt that since the beginning of Judeo-Christian supremacy in western civilization the woman has been put, at least, a step below man. From the fall from grace with Eve, in the garden of Edin, to the misrepresentation of Mary Magdalene in the time of Christ, women have been getting the short end of the stick, no pun intended (well maybe). Paganism always celebrated the life creating power of women, but that part of Paganism was not adopted by Christians. I truly believe in gender equality, in fact I believe in it so much, that I am here to say that fathers can be as much of the nurturing, mothering types, as women.
It has taken me a long time to write this blog, because I do respect motherhood a great deal. I think the concept “a mother knows” is often correct, but only because they are the primary care provider. The concept “The nanny knows” could be just as accurate, if said nanny is the primary care provider of a child. I know when Holden is about to bolt (make a run for it), because I have seen him do it so many times, not because I have some kind of father super power. I know when Holden isn’t feel well, even though he can’t communicate it, because I have countless hours of seeing him when he is feeling well. I may not think about it, but I am subconsciously picking up on discrepancies from his usual behaviour, to extrapolate (who knew I would ever get to use extrapolate in a real sentence someday) that he isn’t feeling well. The bond a mother feels for their child is very strong, and it starts long before birth. I have news for everyone, it starts before birth for men too. I have seen people at my old work, change their whole way of life, because their wife was pregnant. They stop partying, they take a second job, they become very cost conscious, and they begin to ask questions about parenting, instead of talking about football or television. This is the male way of dealing with the bond that they start forming with their unborn child. I can also tell you that when I saw Zane’s head make it’s appearance in the world, it changed my life, in an instant. I am not the person I was, before he was born. I am not to proud to say that it brought tears to my eyes. In that instant, my whole world shifted, and this tiny entity became the center of my universe. If anyone questions the strength of the bond I have for my children, try messing with one of them and see what happens.
So all I am asking, is don’t assume that the mother of a child is the primary care giver. Sometimes that responsibility falls on someone other then the mother. Oh, and sorry mom, no offense!
As I have stated before on this blog, I read a lot of other peoples blogs. I believe the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) community to be a fairly tight knit community. Everyone is very supportive of each other, and we all can relate to most of the situations we all write about. However, I have become pretty exasperated over a single idea. That idea is that nobody understands the sacrifices of a “mother”. I read so many people talking about how mothers make huge sacrifices, mothers never get a break, mothers end up dealing with the brunt of the responsibilities, from the school battles over IEP’s to dealing with sick kids. Mothers need to take time for themselves and not feel guilty. I full respect mothers, I actually have one, she’s pretty cool. That doesn’t mean they own the rights to parenting. I am here to tell you, for over a year and a half I have been the only person dealing with all of these issues. This father, truly appreciates the role of the primary care giver of ASD kids. Hell, I fully appreciate the role of the primary care giver of neurotypical kids, having one of those too. Whether people parent as a team, or an individual deals with the majority of the “kid related” issues, it is an incorrect assumptions to expect the “mother” to be at the center of that. I have no doubt in my mind that I am touching on a touchy subject here. I also confess that I am probably the minority in the primary care giver statistics. That doesn’t mean that mothers can play the mothers instincts, or mothers intuition, or the “I cared this life inside me” card. I respect the fact the female body is truly amazing. Not only do they grow a life inside themselves, they also grow an organ ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Placenta ) in the process. Most men only know how to play with their organ, certainly not grow a new one. I also have a huge amount of respect for women in general. There is no doubt that since the beginning of Judeo-Christian supremacy in western civilization the woman has been put, at least, a step below man. From the fall from grace with Eve, in the garden of Edin, to the misrepresentation of Mary Magdalene in the time of Christ, women have been getting the short end of the stick, no pun intended (well maybe). Paganism always celebrated the life creating power of women, but that part of Paganism was not adopted by Christians. I truly believe in gender equality, in fact I believe in it so much, that I am here to say that fathers can be as much of the nurturing, mothering types, as women.
It has taken me a long time to write this blog, because I do respect motherhood a great deal. I think the concept “a mother knows” is often correct, but only because they are the primary care provider. The concept “The nanny knows” could be just as accurate, if said nanny is the primary care provider of a child. I know when Holden is about to bolt (make a run for it), because I have seen him do it so many times, not because I have some kind of father super power. I know when Holden isn’t feel well, even though he can’t communicate it, because I have countless hours of seeing him when he is feeling well. I may not think about it, but I am subconsciously picking up on discrepancies from his usual behaviour, to extrapolate (who knew I would ever get to use extrapolate in a real sentence someday) that he isn’t feeling well. The bond a mother feels for their child is very strong, and it starts long before birth. I have news for everyone, it starts before birth for men too. I have seen people at my old work, change their whole way of life, because their wife was pregnant. They stop partying, they take a second job, they become very cost conscious, and they begin to ask questions about parenting, instead of talking about football or television. This is the male way of dealing with the bond that they start forming with their unborn child. I can also tell you that when I saw Zane’s head make it’s appearance in the world, it changed my life, in an instant. I am not the person I was, before he was born. I am not to proud to say that it brought tears to my eyes. In that instant, my whole world shifted, and this tiny entity became the center of my universe. If anyone questions the strength of the bond I have for my children, try messing with one of them and see what happens.
So all I am asking, is don’t assume that the mother of a child is the primary care giver. Sometimes that responsibility falls on someone other then the mother. Oh, and sorry mom, no offense!
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