There are times when parenting a child with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) that we have to put our emotions aside, and make decisions on what is best for our children, rather then what makes them happy. That is not always an easy thing to do as a parent, after all isn’t the parent credo, “I just want my children to be happy.” It feels as though we have to force ourselves to see what is best for our kids, and turn off that instinct that wants to shield and protect them against unpleasantness. It feels so wrong to not want to let our children be happy, so why do we have to do this? The best example of why being happy can be bad, is a rather extreme example, but it works. A heroin addict doesn’t initially take heroin because they want to end up strung out, enslaved to a drug. They take it as an emotional shut off valve. They take it to feel good, by not feeling bad emotionally. Unfortunately, that only works for a short time, then they have to take the drug, to not feel heroin sick. The drug stops shutting off their emotions, and simply takes over the person, making them feel sick if they don’t take it. With ASD kids, certain behaviours are like this, they start out doing it, because they enjoy it, but when they start obsessing on it, they begin to do it because they have to. Some of these things can seem very trivial, and harmless, but over time become quite an issue. They are painful behaviours for the kids to have to eliminate.
A client I used to work with years ago was obsessed with Disney movies. He would start out just wanting to watch a movie, but pretty soon he would get to the point where he had to rewind and re-watch a certain part of the movie over and over again. I am not talking about a scene, but rather a small ten second piece of the movie repeated 20 or 30 times, really until we stopped him. Then like the Heroin addict he would totally “Jones” for that movie for a few weeks. There have been things that used to bring Holden great joy, that I just had to remove and never bring back, because they became such issues. It’s really sad to have to take something away from him, that for quite some time would comfort him, and make him feel safe. He would take it to school with him, and have that sense of security, that sense of home, while away from home. Then over time it becomes an obsession, making him need it, and at the same time not want it anymore. He struggles with it, throws it away, then digs it out of the trash. Gives it to me, to take into another room, then comes screaming into the room wanting it back. It is very clear that it is a painful obsession, one that he wants to “kick” but at the same time can’t. The same thing applies to behaviours, where if you let him indulge in the behaviour because he enjoys it, and is seemingly harmless, it can go from being a benign behaviour, to an obsessive behaviour that becomes bad by it’s repetition and necessity, rather then it’s actual action.
One of the things that often comes up when I meet with Holden’s teachers are these obsessions. We compare notes, and try to decide if a behaviour is bad enough to address, and if it is becoming an obsessive behaviour. Sometimes we are so close to our children, that we miss that the behaviour, or toy or whatever, has become an obsession. Holden picks at all his scabs obsessively, making things take super long to heal. It gets to the point where you have to put band aids on him, and keep them on him, in order for things to heal. There is nothing more frustrating then keeping a band aid on him for two days, and have a cut get close to healing, only to find him picking at it, and make it bleed again. Clearly this is a very easy obsession to spot, and the repercussions of it are very obvious, greater chance of infection, great chance for scarring, and prolonged healing time. Other behaviours or activities are harder to spot sometimes, and can reach the point of being problematic before they are identified and resolved.
Another problem is trying to decide how best to address an obsessive behaviour. Bring attention to a behaviour can often make it worse. Now it becomes an obsessive behaviour that he knows he can elicit a reaction from. This, in essences, encourages the behavior. However, simply ignoring the behaviour isn’t gong to make it go away, because it has reached the point of obsession. When the object of obsession is an object, at least it can be removed. This will lead to melt downs and tantrums, but over time the obsession is broken. As it can be imagined, it is greatly beneficial to keep on the look out for potential obsessions, and try to eliminate them before they reach the point of being a full on obsession. There is nothing fun about eliminating these obsessions, and they are truly damaging to his, ready for it, happiness. So that is the complicated, delicate, nuance filled dance we dance as parents, we make our children happy, by denying them certain things that on the surface appear to make our children happy.
A client I used to work with years ago was obsessed with Disney movies. He would start out just wanting to watch a movie, but pretty soon he would get to the point where he had to rewind and re-watch a certain part of the movie over and over again. I am not talking about a scene, but rather a small ten second piece of the movie repeated 20 or 30 times, really until we stopped him. Then like the Heroin addict he would totally “Jones” for that movie for a few weeks. There have been things that used to bring Holden great joy, that I just had to remove and never bring back, because they became such issues. It’s really sad to have to take something away from him, that for quite some time would comfort him, and make him feel safe. He would take it to school with him, and have that sense of security, that sense of home, while away from home. Then over time it becomes an obsession, making him need it, and at the same time not want it anymore. He struggles with it, throws it away, then digs it out of the trash. Gives it to me, to take into another room, then comes screaming into the room wanting it back. It is very clear that it is a painful obsession, one that he wants to “kick” but at the same time can’t. The same thing applies to behaviours, where if you let him indulge in the behaviour because he enjoys it, and is seemingly harmless, it can go from being a benign behaviour, to an obsessive behaviour that becomes bad by it’s repetition and necessity, rather then it’s actual action.
One of the things that often comes up when I meet with Holden’s teachers are these obsessions. We compare notes, and try to decide if a behaviour is bad enough to address, and if it is becoming an obsessive behaviour. Sometimes we are so close to our children, that we miss that the behaviour, or toy or whatever, has become an obsession. Holden picks at all his scabs obsessively, making things take super long to heal. It gets to the point where you have to put band aids on him, and keep them on him, in order for things to heal. There is nothing more frustrating then keeping a band aid on him for two days, and have a cut get close to healing, only to find him picking at it, and make it bleed again. Clearly this is a very easy obsession to spot, and the repercussions of it are very obvious, greater chance of infection, great chance for scarring, and prolonged healing time. Other behaviours or activities are harder to spot sometimes, and can reach the point of being problematic before they are identified and resolved.
Another problem is trying to decide how best to address an obsessive behaviour. Bring attention to a behaviour can often make it worse. Now it becomes an obsessive behaviour that he knows he can elicit a reaction from. This, in essences, encourages the behavior. However, simply ignoring the behaviour isn’t gong to make it go away, because it has reached the point of obsession. When the object of obsession is an object, at least it can be removed. This will lead to melt downs and tantrums, but over time the obsession is broken. As it can be imagined, it is greatly beneficial to keep on the look out for potential obsessions, and try to eliminate them before they reach the point of being a full on obsession. There is nothing fun about eliminating these obsessions, and they are truly damaging to his, ready for it, happiness. So that is the complicated, delicate, nuance filled dance we dance as parents, we make our children happy, by denying them certain things that on the surface appear to make our children happy.
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